


Metanoia

by honeybee03



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blackwatch Era, Established Relationship, F/M, Insecurity, MY BABIES, Nightmares, Post-Recall, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Relationship, it's sweet don't worry, they love eachother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-13 13:39:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15365871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeybee03/pseuds/honeybee03
Summary: When Genji can't seem to fall asleep, he is suddenly reminded of distant memories, worries and gratitude while watching her sleeping next to him.





	Metanoia

She has nightmares now and then, nightmares that wake her early in the morning, when it’s dark outside and everyone and everything seems to be asleep.  
She once told him that they are always about losing someone she could have easily saved.   
Sometimes her parents, often him.

She usually wakes in a state of intense self-doubt and uncertainty, and it pains him, since these doubts are coming from such a selfless mind.  
Every time she kisses him awake, softly whimpering, asking him if he is really there.  
He answers that he is and always will be. He tells her that although she might not always trust herself, he will always trust her, no matter what.  
He reminds her how strong she is. It became a habit, almost.

The life here has affected her. The violence she has seen during missions has found it’s way through her dreams, and he wished he could take it away from her.

He used to have nightmares too.  
They disappeared after he found tranquility, peace and calmness in the mountains of Nepal. When he learned that his soul was not robbed from his body, but was in fact still there and would always be there, regardless of the amount of machine that became part of him.

Her nightmares are different from the ones he used to have. His nightmares had no structure, but were cold with distant voices, voices of his brother, mother, and sometimes him. He could never recall what the voices said, even though he wanted to, and the dreams always ended with a bright light right before waking up.  
They left him shaking, telling her to leave him when she tried to calm him so many times, needing her support so badly at the time.

\- -

It was a time in which his anger was like a demon that possessed him, unable to control, wanting to be released and looking for the first victim it could place it’s claws upon.  
Except it didn’t choose its victims randomly. It was very well thought out, and it was the wrong person.  
His anger for her would always backfire. It would backfire in the form of her unlimited kindness, the kindness that would always leave him in a state of confusion and guilt, shattering his broken heart even more. He would hate her for it, needing her worries at the same time.  
Someone or something caring about him was the only thing keeping him from falling apart.

“If you saw what I do” he told her once, “I would disgust you. All you do is save and mend. All I do is break and hurt.” He pauses for a moment, struggling to find the right words.  
“I don’t even feel anything anymore while doing it. I barely feel anything when I see spilled blood. I don’t know how to feel anymore”.

“Genji, I can hear the pain in your voice.” She whispered. “Don’t make yourself believe that you don’t feel anything. I can see how it hurts you, how you’re hurting so often.” Her expression filled with empathy and sadness.  
He saw genuine pain in her blue eyes, and although he longed for someone caring about him and his wellbeing, all he wanted then was to take her pain away. He wanted her to stop caring.

“Stop caring about me” he almost begged, ‘I don’t want or need your worries.’  
“I can’t”, she answered, trying to meet his eyes and waiting for him to look at her. As he closed his eyes she decided to put her arms around him. His pain was too strong for her words to mend him, but she would always try, this time with a gentle hug.

He wanted to hate her and he probably did.  
He hated her because he also cared about her, cared about the person who put him in this position, unintended. Cared about what she thought of him.  
He hated her because she stubbornly tried to keep him from believing he’s a terrible human being. He was.  
He hated her because she saw him in such a vulnerable state. A monster like him has no use in looking vulnerable.

He hated her, but he didn’t.  
A sudden rush of contradicting thoughts left him speechless. She noticed his gaze, lost in thought and staring at the floor, and gave him the time to respond. She always gave him the time he needed. She was too kind, too soft, too beautiful to be here, he thought, in a time filled with violence and sorrow.  
She doesn’t fit here.  
She was everything he was not.

“You have no idea how bad you make me feel.” He finally said, barely louder than a whisper. It was not a lie. She made him feel something he didn’t want to feel, something he didn’t understand and didn’t deserve.  
His own words hurt him as much as her. They felt like cuts, they disgusted and relieved him at the same time. Every time he spat cruel words he felt a rush of relief, immediately followed by guilt.

He finally looked at her, with crimson glowing eyes, an intimidating gaze, hurt yet determined.  
Her expression on the other hand was again filled with pain but also understanding.  
This is not what he wanted. He didn’t want her to understand him. He wanted to make her cry, make her leave the room, make her hate him because he deserved it.  
Her pain would pain him, and pain had become an emotion he could count on because it was always there. It was predictable and somehow kept him calm.

But she didn’t hate him, she never did. She had barely moved and both her arms were still around him. He did not realize how long they remained there, like this. He both did and didn’t want it to end.

“How cruel do I have to be for you to leave?” he asked. It was a genuine question, sounding almost hopeless, but she didn’t answer.  
He couldn’t recall what he really felt then. His mind became hazy, empty. “I’m so tired.” he wanted to say, but he remained silent instead.

She must have known, he thought, when he suddenly heard her voice.  
“You should sleep Genji, it’s late. I will lead you to your room.”  
“Please,” she asked, voice sweet and quiet, “get some sleep”.

They left the room together, walking through the empty hall towards his bedroom. The others were already sleeping.  
She held his hand, as if the mere touch would keep him from forgetting that he could still feel, that he is in fact still alive, a living person with a beating heart.

Once they reached his bedroom she tucked him in bed, it was dark in his room and she tried not to show that she had noticed the tears on his scarred cheeks.  
She smiled and stayed there for a few more minutes. Her smile was lovely, he thought.  
The pain that he became accustomed to was still there, but more faint. He almost wanted her to stay.  
He was so tired, but felt safe there and then, with her, and felt almost understood.  
He felt grateful.

‘Thank you’ he finally said as she left his room, before drifting off to sleep.

\- -

Now she is sleeping next to him, close. She looks peaceful, calm, serene.  
She does not make a sound, and the moonlight is faintly touching a few strands of her silver - white hair. The sight of it brings back memories. Memories of the crisp snow in the mountains of a place he used to call home.

His home is now wherever he is with her.  
  
They have been together for almost three years now, yet he still sometimes finds himself pondering if she is happy. The feeling of being unhappy is familiar to him, and he also knows she would never burden someone else with troubles. So he asks her sometimes, just to be sure.  
Last time he did she laughed and responded that of course she is happy, why wouldn’t she? and that she loves him.

He wanted to answer that there might be reasons: the amount of pain she has seen during her work, the people she has seen dying and couldn’t save, the hurt he caused her in the past, all of these fears translating themselves into the nightmares she often seems to have. But her voice was soft, sweet, genuine. “I love you” she repeated again, and he felt her kissing his neck gently, felt her falling asleep on his chest after making love.  
He decided to believe her.  
He loves her too.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fanfiction ever written, hope you liked it (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ might add another chapter because i love these two with all my heart


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